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Thursday, February 14, 2013

Valentine's Day Special: Find Out Who The Best And Worst Lovers In Hollywood Are

Lol...this is so hilarious...I wonder who revealed this to Star Magazine...
  • Angelina Jolie is "Surprise! Boring in bed." Whaaaaaa? This alleged information comes from shade thrown by her ex, Billy Bob Thornton, who has said, "sometimes, with the model, the actress, the 'sexiest person in the world,' it may be literally like fucking the couch." FUCK YO COUCH, BILLY BOB!
  • Taylor Swift is — surprise! Boring in bed. I guess that's not very surprising, actually. "All she wants to do is kiss for hours, which is probably why none of the guys she dates sticks around." Even 18-year-old dudes have their limits, Taylor. Swift needs to date an asexual guy or a(nother) gay guy. "All that kissing provides great material when it comes to telling!" Yeah, but you gotta tell us about lunchboxes and baguettes, too!
  • Charlie Sheen himself says "I don't need a leather diaper collection and a lot of fantasies to get sexual." Aren't you the guy who fucks a ton of porn stars? "I think the more props you need, the less you've got going on with your own sexuality." Then please explain your need for Goddesses. You realize sex workers are just pretending to be attracted to you because you're paying them, right? Bree Olson says "he's just so enticing sexually." (She got paid.)
  • Rob Kardashian "uses his sister Khloe's place for his hookups, since he doesn't have a nice home of his own. What he does have is a fetish for panties. He requests to keep them as a precious memento of his conquest." And also so Khloe won't flip out when she finds them in her bed after Rob uses her home as his fuck pad?
  • Jennifer Aniston, who played a "spoiled princess" on Friends, "reprises that role when the lights go off. She just lays there and wants to do none of the work." That's called being a pillow queen, and I call bullshit on this one. I bet Jen An puts in work. You know who seems boring in bed? BRAD PITT.
  • Scarlett Johansson likes to do it in public. "Scarlett is very spontaneous and loves to get it on in any environment." This might sound like fanfic, but "ScarJo concurs" that she likes to do it in fast cars: "I love sex in a car. If I wanted something kinky, the backseat would be it." We're still talking about cars, right?
  • Beyoncé "lets Jay-Z be the alpha male most of the time" but "takes charge when it's Booty Thirty." Oh, come the hell on. "She loves tying him up. She's such a demure woman in public, but behind bedroom doors she's absolutely wild." I'm guessing she and Jay-Z are both switches.
  • Khloe Kardashian "makes Kim look like a nun. She likes to get down anywhere and everywhere and she's always horny." I'd wager her orgasms are realer than Kim's.
  • Demi Moore "likes to think of sex as a performance and loves to role-play for her man. She's pretended to be everything from a naughty teacher, a scuba instructor, even a rodeo clown." A rodeo clown. This is all the best fictional article ever, yes?
  • Bradley Cooper "is dull as dishwater in bed. He talks nonstop in French because he thinks it's a turn-on, but it's like being in bed with Pepé Le Pew." Oh, no way, we've all seen Wet Hot American Summer.
  • Jessica Simpson is "sexual napalm," but we all knew that. She likes pregnancy sex, and says it made her "unstoppable" with "the biggest O ever."
  • Prince Harry is a firecracker. "The randy young Brit is a prince, even in the boudoir. Harry has a lot of experience with women and their bodies. He's a very sexual human being, so he loves lotions and scented body oils. He knows how to please a lady and make her feel like she's the only one." Well, you know what they say about gingers. They don't tan.
  • Jennifer Lopez "has a powerful set of lungs and she's not afraid to use them. If she enjoys what you're doing, she'll scream so loud that the windows will rattle. Once in a hotel, a maid charged into her room, thinking she was being murdered." IT'S MURDA!

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